what the hell did i do?
rephrase...
what the hell have i done...

im wondering how long is this avoidance gonna go on for.
im wondering how much longer our paths wont cross.
god i really hate you.

i've gotten word that, maybe... you arent doing as well as i had thought.
i am saddened for you. saddened by you. just saddened.
why are you doing this to yourself, you used to be walking in the light,
but now you're at the bottom of the bottle.

tragic.

DMX

Dearest.

i have trouble accepting the fact that you're gone. so i wont. it'll be like, we went a while with out seeing each other.

I Love You. I Miss You.

now im sitting here. thinking bout you, and the days we used to share. its driving me crazy. i dont know what to do... but im wondering if you still care. and i dont wanna letcha know, that its killing me. i know you got another life you gotta concentrate.

baby, come back to me, can you feel me? hear me? calling? for you? cuz its been too long, and im lost with out you. what am i gonna do? i said i been needing you, wanting you. wondering if youre the same, and who's been with you. Is your heart still mine... i wanna cry sometimes.

since you've been gone.

i've stopped wearing make up, stopped eating badly, stopped crying momentarily. i have stopped several things. in a little bit of a limbo. ive been listening to tracy chapman's Fast Car for the past 3 days now. morning to night. i feel some sort of attachment to it. it's a very sad story... im in love with sad stories. i think i lost weight. i look smaller. ive put my lip ring back in. im trying new things. i went to a hip hop class. i did alright. i want to go back. ive been thinking about my sexuality. at this moment in time, im still very much straight. ive been thinking about you. ive been doing a lot of thinking, about school, work, random things. i have lost touch with many people... and havent made much effort to try and be friends with people who have shown no interest in me. people seem to trust me for some reason. i miss my lolo. this is a very random blog. welcome to my brain and thought process.

riddle me this: birthdays

im already thinking about my birthday, and i know exactly what i want. it doesnt cost anything, but its worth plenty. if you know what it is, you can drop it off at my door at midnight on October 29th.

friends?

i have dreamed about you 3 days in a row now.
last night, you wanted to be friends again... you wanted to take me out.
you had no pants on, you were in washed out black boxers.
your jeans were in the backseat covered in mud.
you asked me to put them in the glove compartment for you.
my head was down, and you drove over something...
i head my head, and my nose was bleeding.

momma's got a brand new baby

here's my other child:

http://www.thesixthelement.tumblr.com

be gentle. she's still a baby.

ranting

i hate facebook. i hate how everyone is connected, and i know things about people i dont wanna know. i hate how i sometimes facebook stalk, pretty girls, or hot guys. its actually really pathetic.

i more specifically hate when im aimlessly searching on facebook, and i come across something i dont like. it sets me off in a bad mood, and when im in a bad mood i do really irrational things or get stressed out.

to cope, i have set my news feed to only myself. so whenever i log in, i dont see other peoples statuses/pictures/whatever. I also do not check who has recently updated their profile info or display picture or status. so what do i do on facebook? I focus on myself. I update my info, my status, my pictures, reply to comments made on content concerning me... I do however check photo albums, with much apprehension. Slowly but surely i am deleting those random friends out of the 400 or so i have, that im pretty positive i will never talk to again. I wish there was a polite way to delete someone off facebook... sadly there isnt :(

Im aware it makes me seem very egotistical... but truthfully... im awkwardly sheltering myself. protecting myself from harm. yeah im a really big fag.

Why dont i just delete it? because, i like updating things, having a place to have my pictures and knowing that people watch my actions, and basically stalk me. I dont return the favor. Rarely. Plus, its too addicting.

secretly im hoping that someone sues facebook, or the people at facebook get really greedy and start charging people to sustain their accounts. All so, i would have a reason to delete and LEAVE facebook for good.

are you being haunted?

is there some kind of force that is holding you back? steering you in a certain direction? is there something that is making you back-peddle moves that you were so sure you were going to make?

i know i am being haunted. i am being haunted by several things. haunted by my own conscience, haunted by people who i want to do right by. i have yet to find out whether or not these hauntings are disabling or enabling, and should i hire an exorcist.

a drunken decision

although you are removed from my online social networks, phone, and all else... you are not removed from my life. if you are upset, i understand. what happened to us was unfortunate. tragic even. however things happen. i can only look forward and deal with what was dealt to me. hopefully we'll come back together at a later point in time. of this i am sure, because i cannot imagine life without you in it. until then, continue enjoying life as you have been. if things never revert back to how they used to be... its okay... i'll be okay.

if you ever need anything... despite our current distance... i am here for you always. you have never lost your priority, although we have lost touch. i know you will probably never come to me, because it was never your way, but the invitation still stands and i will never remove that option.

i can only hope you are doing well.

see you soon

love always, carla.