my sister is currently high, calling from 5 and 10. WOW. I would normally say some bad things, but i have this irrational fear if i say something bad, something bad will happen to her. haha, like that one time i was really bitchy on the phone... and i felt bad for being a bitch, so i sent my sister a text msg saying sorry, cuz i was just in a really bad mood. if something happened to her, god knows... surely i would... probably, and literally kill myself. so i wont say anything, other than she better come home tonight safe.

I really dont know why she does some of the things she does, nor does she know why i do some of the things i do. I guess we're even. Ugh, i hate being the big sister sometimes, because i get mad too easily, and worry too much. It's easier to act like i dont give a fuck, but when in reality, i care too much. To the point where after i hang up the phone, i call back, and be like... just fucking come home soon, and... but still keeping that bitchy tone... but really i just want her home, so i know where she is, and that shes safe.

I have some sort of like emergency scenario playlists in my head, of things that can go wrong when my sister is out. Sometimes it's overwhelming, so i shove the thoughts way back, so i dont have to think about it... but the feeling of anxiety is always there. I guess i have to put a lot of trust into her, and trust the fact that she knows what she's doing, and that she trusts whos shes out with. It's Hard.

I dont think i'll ever stop thinking about Andrea in that way. I'll refuse to believe the fact that shes turning 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 25, 30, 35....etc etc 70. To me, shes still my likkle choba, that called cell phones celery phones, and gloves... glums. So its not my fault i worry too much.