if listening to TOO much beyonce is wrong, then damn i don't wanna be right.

i want to cry because i miss you, but if i start to cry, ill be angry at myself for throwing away my strength and progress it has taken me almost 6 months to build.

i know now that im good enough not to deserve this. not to have to feel like this. not to love to so much that i almost hate you. i deserve someone that will stay. i am happy that you're okay. and im happy about your job... and i want you go, and be happy and not come back.

silly girl. tricks are for kids.

rare finds

i made the mistake of sleeping with my bestfriend. in short things got awkward, and i cut him out of my life... havent had contact for almost a year now. although there are no longer romantic feelings i miss him as my bestfriend what do i do?

Tell him. I cut people out of my life a lot because I get hurt too easily. So once something feels weird I make them leave before it gets any worse. And then I want them back later. And usually when you are missing someone the person you are missing misses you, the same amount. I'd talk to him. I bet he wants to talk to you too.

(via sarah morrison formspring)

i cant make you love me.

i have never heard of the name bonnie raitt before... but when i heard the title of the song... i had a feeling it was probably one of those classic songs, that i probably had heard before, just didnt remember what it was. sure enough. it was. didn't know it at first, but once that chorus kicked in... a little tingle in my body was set off. probably heard this bad boy, in the background of some love flick i saw back in the day or something. nonetheless, i have become captivated by this song. this song is so beautiful, it makes the insides of my chest weak, in the most relaxing way.

the reason i started listening to it, was because of a show called 1 girl 5 gays (that airs on MTVcanada sunday nights at 11). the premise of the show, is basically a panel, consisting of 5 of gay guys and a 1 girl holding a discussion about various topics. On this particular show, it was basically 20 questions, one of which was "what are the best love songs," to which one asked "best love songs that are like hilarious? or actual love songs," to which he answered mariah carey for hilarious, and best love songs acceptable to play at your wedding... the beatles. One of the other gay guys, said the best love song, he actually connects with is this one, I cant make you love me, by bonnie raitt. he goes on to explain the passion, and emotion the song emits, and how when listening to it, it evokes emotions out of you too. i fell in love with the description, and was not disappointed when i youtubed the song a few seconds later.

i have never truly been in love... but if i was, and was let down... listening to this song would probably shatter me, but build be back up. i cant help but wonder how many hearts have broken listening to this womans voice and these words, probably several. it's a sad thought to think.

anyway. this song is amazing.

new years resolution

• lose weight so i dont look like such a fucktard in a bathing suit if i go to hawaii in the summer
• go to yoga, boxing, actually go to the gym at school!
• get my tattoo... this is a conditional resolution, dependent on the first two resolutions
• do well in school !!!!!!!
• start volunteering!
  

i have had two very vivid dreams about you, two days in a row. how this is happening i cant say for sure. i dont think about you during the day, so it cannot be day residue. i dont know if this is a cosmic sign that something is about to happen. The pessimist in me, is telling the optimist in me to not get ahead of myself, and i do not think i will. if anything, it is probably just telling myself i still subconsciously miss you, because consciously you dont exist.

life without you is no longer hard. truthfully, with you gone, and other sons of bitches gone, life has actually been better. it flows better. i am no longer distracted by petty things that dont need my attention.

i have stopped looking for you. stopped worrying if you're okay. sometimes i catch myself remembering you were even in my life. so habituated to not having you there *shrug*

truthfully, i just blocked you out. its easy for me this way. it is not fair, i know, it's easy. i know you dont understand my actions, but please respect them.

i dont regret anything. i never did, never will. in some odd way, i still will stand by you if need be, but i doubt you will. you're too proud.

although you arent around, my dreams still bring you back to me.

gosh i love this show

i care about you. i care about you, and im not gonna go crazy, and im not gonna try and kill myself. and im not gonna stop caring about you, no matter how hard you push me away. i care about you, and i know you care about me too.

admit it, admit that you care about me too, i know you do... and i care about you, i care about you, i care about you, i care about you, i care about you, i...

you made an assumption, you decided i did something. you didnt ask. you didnt hang around to talk. i am your [bestfriend] and you didnt give me the benefit of the doubt. so you know what... i cant forgive you either.

I: i can say hail mary's, until i turn to mary, but i still miss you. not the sex, it was not tragic george, but ill live without it. i wont make it if you cant be my friend.

G: what you did today, you should be proud. i get an orderly to take you downstairs... i have to go. understand.

to that certain someone. no not you. the other one.

honestly, you can go fuck yourself. dumb ass bitch.

i cant keep checking up on you anymore. as much as id love to know what you're doing... if you're happy... i cant help but feel disturbed at the fact that you're happiness is non-related and independent of me.

you can break my heart in a few sentences.

sadly, it doesnt look like we'll ever be friends again. it will be too hard. too complicated. after all, ive seen you naked.

but ill wait for that call, or text message, when you can tolerate seeing my face without wanting to fuck it, or stab it.

secretly you miss me too. i know this for sure.

hey. what you need to realize is that i was hurt. you hurt me. you might not think you did. but you did. i hurt you. and im sorry.

i love you always, i'll meet you halfway

:) i know you're dying at how pretty ive become, and can be

i looked pretty last night.. well friday night :)

couldnt cry today because i was sitting in front of my dad, if he were to ask me what was wrong... i probably would have died.

just so you know. i kinnnnnnd of surely resent you. get the fuck out of here.