new years resolution

• lose weight so i dont look like such a fucktard in a bathing suit if i go to hawaii in the summer
• go to yoga, boxing, actually go to the gym at school!
• get my tattoo... this is a conditional resolution, dependent on the first two resolutions
• do well in school !!!!!!!
• start volunteering!
  

i have had two very vivid dreams about you, two days in a row. how this is happening i cant say for sure. i dont think about you during the day, so it cannot be day residue. i dont know if this is a cosmic sign that something is about to happen. The pessimist in me, is telling the optimist in me to not get ahead of myself, and i do not think i will. if anything, it is probably just telling myself i still subconsciously miss you, because consciously you dont exist.

life without you is no longer hard. truthfully, with you gone, and other sons of bitches gone, life has actually been better. it flows better. i am no longer distracted by petty things that dont need my attention.

i have stopped looking for you. stopped worrying if you're okay. sometimes i catch myself remembering you were even in my life. so habituated to not having you there *shrug*

truthfully, i just blocked you out. its easy for me this way. it is not fair, i know, it's easy. i know you dont understand my actions, but please respect them.

i dont regret anything. i never did, never will. in some odd way, i still will stand by you if need be, but i doubt you will. you're too proud.

although you arent around, my dreams still bring you back to me.