you promise?

how could a 3 minute conversation leave me in my bed crying like a child?
maybe it's because so little has been said, that those few words made such an impact.
maybe it was the content of the conversation.
maybe it was the Coldplay playing in the background.
puffy.

One of my idol's Michael Jackson, passed away today.
I am completely crushed and devastated.
I shed a couple of tears.
I am playing a miscellaneous playlist of all his older songs.
He reminds me of childhood.
His songs, i grew up on, and memorized all the words.
It just sucks because, i wont have the chance to see him perform.

It's sorta crazy how sad i am.

Michael Jackson Biographies All Night.

the more time i spend alone, the more i realize i am in love with myself.

today i dont care

its a good feeling.

things that i wanna eat

doing this detox obviously makes me hungry.
to deal with the hunger,
i sniff food, and google recipes online that i wanna make, just to help the cravings go away. so here is a list of food that im gonna eat (the bad ones in extreme moderation... surprisingly my cravings have mostly been healthy ones):
- Canadian tire hot dog
- sushi (excessive amounts of sushi)
- salads salads salads
- cottage cheese
- any cheese for that matter
- grape tomatoes
- steamed fish
- steamed beans, carrots and broccoli
- soups! fml soups.
- quiches!
- seriously im dying for a salad
- baked chicken
- sinigang
- palabok
- fml bopis


iono man, im just seriously hungry.

uncensored

i go back and forth.
it depends on the day.
i miss you. i hate you. you dont exist.
you're there. not there. everywhere.
sometimes you're noone.
i've changed? you've changed? we've changed?

i keep thinking big picture.
things were said.
plans were made.
things were said
plans were altered.
things werent said
plans were left unsaid.
i keep thinking big picture.

sometimes i think you dont deserve your title,
but it would break my heart to strip you of it
in my kingdom, you still reign.
then i think, if i even deserve mine?
im hoping i even still have one.
you are always a priority. always. to a vice i'll admit.

regardless im optimistic.
despite my affinity for pessimism.

im disappointed it got this bad.. but we both let it get this bad. im cloudy headed cal. know that i will always hold you to a higher standard, a reason why i know that things can sort itself out. read your oldest note again. still true. i read it and i cried. hopefully we'll talk soon. okay i have to go to work.

these thoughts are sporadic. this is my best attempt at organization of them.

i just want my best-friend.
i dont regret anything but,
truth be told, i kind of just wish we were back in grade seven.

no such thing as sweet dreams

it comes to the point where even in my sleep, im being taunted.

- someones exboyfriend wants to sleep at my house
- someones little sister called me a skank
- i carried someone near and dear to my heart on my back through a muddy field
- someone near and dear to my heart told me they havent been paying attention to me
- someone near and dear to my heart blasted at me, for me thinking i was not of importance to them
- someone near and dear to my heart wants nothing to do with me
- classrooms
- outside festivals
- metallic colored men
- sunburns
- apartment buildings that i have seen before
- i apparently didnt take my birth control

i woke up vomitting.