uncensored

i go back and forth.
it depends on the day.
i miss you. i hate you. you dont exist.
you're there. not there. everywhere.
sometimes you're noone.
i've changed? you've changed? we've changed?

i keep thinking big picture.
things were said.
plans were made.
things were said
plans were altered.
things werent said
plans were left unsaid.
i keep thinking big picture.

sometimes i think you dont deserve your title,
but it would break my heart to strip you of it
in my kingdom, you still reign.
then i think, if i even deserve mine?
im hoping i even still have one.
you are always a priority. always. to a vice i'll admit.

regardless im optimistic.
despite my affinity for pessimism.

im disappointed it got this bad.. but we both let it get this bad. im cloudy headed cal. know that i will always hold you to a higher standard, a reason why i know that things can sort itself out. read your oldest note again. still true. i read it and i cried. hopefully we'll talk soon. okay i have to go to work.

these thoughts are sporadic. this is my best attempt at organization of them.

i just want my best-friend.
i dont regret anything but,
truth be told, i kind of just wish we were back in grade seven.