fingers crossed

i love hospitals. i love the weird smells, hallways, waiting rooms, nursing stations, han-san stations... everything. it has always been a (sick and twisted) dream of mine, to be a long-term/terminally ill patient at a hospital (on the condition that im at least 19-45... the younger the better). I want to be hooked up to an IV, and call it my banana bag. I want to hook up the oxygen tank to my face, and watch the monitor as my heart beats. I want the anxiety of the doctor coming in with updates. Counting down days. Watching the people try and sit with uncomfortable feeling in the pits of their stomachs. The random "codes" that go off during the say. I just want it. I obviously know that being sick and in a hospital is not something someone should wish for, but i really do fantasize about it, as crazy and unnecessary as it seems. I think it has to do with the fact that in my short 19 years i have been alive, i have countless times been a visitor to the sick and dying... it just makes me wonder what it would be like to be the one visited.