happy halloween

i can't believe october is almost over. it came and left so fast. like a lover you want over and over again, but you're lucky to see once a year. i fucking love october.

this morning was a good morning. it is really really gorgeous outside today i love it. i had a really nice nap followed by a sick shower in the afternoon. a perfect way to send out october.

my mind is kind of all over the place today.
i went to bed really early last night, because i was tired (of what? no idea)... but then i woke up reaaaaal early to the taste of anxiety. Hm...

anyway, this has been day two, that i have been out of my home without a real bra. I either wear that gold bandeau thing, or the triangle top underneath my clothes. Hey, as long as im not busting out, im cool with it.

where is your thinking spot?
mine is on the bus, in my bed, and in the shower.
today when i was riding the bus, i came to the conclusion that i am a very greedy, possessive person. i dont like sharing at all.
then when i got into the shower i thought that, i am a very jealous person, and that i throw out attachments and yank them back like yoyos
then i got into my bed, and thought that... i love really hard.
thats a lot of thinking.

running on empty

that is all for now

nude suits

sao paulo

i really want to go to brasil.
i remember talking to this guy who used to tell me, i could go to brasil with him to go and visit his mom, who lived there. even though i knew that was never gonna happen, i always thought how it would be so sick to go. for my cousin alex, who is fluent in like a bajillion languages, one of them being portuguese, was suggesting that we all go for the world cup in 2014. if i had the time, and funds... so down.

anyway, im in a towel listening to this song.

good shiiiiit

never been fucked in the game, i'm celibate

as much as i wanna sleep this week, i dont think i will. tuesday night, im gonna have to go through hibernation or something, to prep for the next few days to come. Nineteenth birthday week... is gonna be intense. i have so many things to do still, omg im gonna die. i really have no idea why i am blogging right now, no wait, its cuz i dont wanna study or do my assignment. 

anyway im turning nineteen this week, and i wish i could never turn nineteen. i wanna stay 18, well 17 forever. 

• Wednesday October 29th - Cupcakes and Justice @ Circa
• Thursday October 30th - UTM Halloween Pub
• Friday October 31st - Gay Club on Church Street
• Saturday and Sunday November 1st and 2nd - K.O

Just a random thought, but the only black guys i'd ever sleep with... would be LL, TI, and Chris Brown. Yep that is all... Oh maybe that guy Quddus from MTV.

this song makes me feel like such a thug whenever i listen to it. its kind of funny.

these chicks is dangerous. You need a girl that's A-List, not one that just barely made it on a list.

babygirl

everything in cycles. thats what i always say, thats what i always notice, thats what i always stand by. 

its kind of insane how dependent i am on my blackberry... omg i love it. :)

i would like to thank my friend Sorina for being such a big sister to me, and offering me the best advice ever in life. 

these posts are so lame these days. i wish there was some drama or something to write about... actually i take that back. knowing my luck... that drama would be baaaad, like real bad. i cant wait for this week to be done.

n***as aint shit

im gonna shower, and come back here, and think about things i need to do.

be right back.

dear you

... you know what? i'll just tell you myself.

the backup plan

never will i ever do that again...

to do list

• bio205
• bio206
• make a doctors appt
• catch up on readings
• more stuff

don't speak (cuz your mind is amazing)

i'm up really early today. that usually happens when i am stressed. i get up, and kind of just walk bath and forth from the bathroom... then i sit in my room with no lights on, and stare at myself in the mirror for a good few minutes. i have work today, and very minimal time to study. I'm up right now to read... but i doubt that's gonna happen.

i should also factor in that i slept pretty early last night. i got into bed and kind of just clocked out.. at what time i dont know. All i remember is my dad checking my room, and switching off the light (it was pretty cute haha).

so i told my two of my bestfriends the deal. It wasnt exactly the best reaction (a memorable one though)... but then again, i don't really know what kind of response or reaction i was expecting. to be fair if i were them, i wouldn't know what to say either... and i'd probably make some jokes and be inappropriate or something. it's all gravy, i dont really mind. They know now, and that's all i really care for.

i turn nineteen in a few days, its so disgusting.

fresh

so my plug in febreeze thing ceases to work. BUT i did find the spray bottle air freshener... and it smells like boys cologne.
the scent is called, "rocky springs & cool"

srsly. i think its awesome. well actually, to be honest, i used to hate the smell, cuz andrea used to spray it in her room.... but she like drenched her room with the smell. I think the smell is only nice, when you can only smell hints of it.
it reminds me of this shower gel, this guy i know used. that smell kind of turns me on not gonna lie.
boys who smell like faint cologne... turn me on. LOL

i remember when i used to be obsessed with any guy who wore the swiss army cologne. omgaaaaah, that shit was the best. i feel like a filthy teenager again or something, who likes to sniff boys. Haha, i remember being in high-school hugging jeffrey for a few good long seconds and then smelling him, cuz he always smelt either like laundry or cologne. Kieron also, yeah he smelt good too.

anywho, the smell is nice. kind of calming.

im off.

oh mawlma

so its me and my mom home right now. i went downstairs to ask her if she was leaving the house to meet up with my dad for a party, and she said "mamaya," translated to "later." I said, "oh okay." She asked me why i was so eager to know if she was leaving or not. simply i told her it was because me and andrea wanted to have a party. I later said, it was because i want to have an orgy. She darted her eyes at me, and said "with who?" I started laughing and asked my mom if she knew what an orgy was, and she said no. So i told her that an orgy was having sex with lots of people at the same time. She was all confused, and asked me how do people even do that. So i did some hip thrusting gestures, and some double hand movements... and me and my mom started cracking up. Gosh i love her.

andrea is in my room... and we're talking about gay things. my febreeze air effects thing is busted, cuz my mom put it on its side, so the oil kinda spilt out of it. Gaaaaaaaay. anywhoooo, i have stuff to do. byeeee :)

6:36 pm edit...
what i would give, to mess around with chris brown.

that last post

was trivial.
it didnt feel authentic, cuz it didnt come from my laptop. i dont know if that makes sense or not, but it does to me.
anyway, my bed is so comfy... i really missed it today for some reason. as if i dont brag about my bed all the time already, but it is such a good way to end the day. thanks ikea!

Today was totally a bad hair day... it was all frizzy and shit, really gross and all that jazz. I'm gonna wash it tonight, maybe blow dry it or something.

theres like a mini pile of trash at the side of my room, that i dont wanna clean up.. when my mom yells at me again, maybe i'll do something about it.

i've been on that old r&b/funk tip recently... the current song of the moment is:
Janet Jackson ft Blackstreet - I Get So Lonely Remix

def a hip rolling, finger snapping kind of song.

tra la la

blogging via the fourth floor... on calvin's computer. surrounded by guys no less. erm... sorry my entries have been lacking substance. Apparently Calvin reads my blog... it's kind of creepy. but whatevs right.

Calvin watches too much porn, and thinks hes a porn-star.... yeah, keyword is thinks.

we went to shoppers today and bought candy, vitamin water, febreeze, and other things. At the cash, the cashier lady gave us a dirty look, and so did the old filipino guy in line behind us. It was kind of awkward.

i think im going to have to start screening my blogs... just so no one gets offended... i probably wont though.

drained

currently exhausted. i cant keep my eyes open, and my body is shutting down. im struggling to type. my fingertips are heavy.
bio206 midterm on monday... i should study.

relations

check

sinning on sundays

my body is aching like crazy.
im thinking im heading down a shady path, but honestly, i could give a fuck. ha pun.

a vicious cycle

im tired, my battle scars are fading, and im kind of hungry.
i have way too much laundry to do, and about 2 hours to do it.
there's nothing really to blog about anymore other than i finished 4 midterms last week, hung out with thuy at the pub, saw an unexpected person at my school, hung out at calvins, did work, and got drunk.

hopefully this week isnt that eventful.

broken blood vessels

so its the am now. usually on saturday's... the ones where i go to bed at like 2am... i wake up at noonish or like 20 minutes before my shift at work. however last night there was some drinking going on... and i havent drank for a good couple of months.... so i went to bed at 2am, and woke up at 5am.. and then again at 8am. I'm not hungover or anything, but clearly it is eveident that there is still alcohol in my body. The taste in my mouth lingers... the souvenir of a good night i guess. no wait i have another souvenir too... but that was before the drinking started. Oh god.

anyway, i have to plan out what the hell i'm wearing to work. take a shower, massage my neck and do laundry.

wife swap!

lifeless yet feeling so alive.

i feel sick. ive been gagging almost every day now. maybe its a mental thing? i dont know.
anyway im at calvins with shawn... we're eating pizza and drinking... maybe i'll drunk blog later.

i dont usually like beyonce

but this song is doing it.

check the twist at the end!


i have a midterm in like an hour and a bit.... yikes!
fingers crossed y'all! : )

moonlight sonata

i am in love with that piece.
it lifts something off my chest, and helps me breath a bit better. i think its because the song isnt one that is overtly happy, sad even, which i why i like it. everything else on this beethoven compilation is a bit to happy for me. i like listening to the darker, sadder stuff.

heres a video of wilhelm kempff playing the sonata no. 14.
im sure you will agree, its sober tone is soothing and relaxing. watching this video makes me almost cry.

i will die if someone plays this for me.

on a lighter note:

the awkward squirming... dont mind it.

you you you

sometimes i wish you would show me the same enthusiasm you show other people.

i tried an italian soda today.
sooo good.

empty

there are no sheets on my bed. i slept in a sheetless, pillowcaseless bed last night. its an odd morning. i dont feel like myself at all.

last night i was drained. i have no idea why... well im lying, i know exactly why.

i was really sad last night, so i ate a lot... too much.

i dont think im gonna eat today.

i am anticipating a loss soon. i dont know why. but im already building up walls.

i am going soft, and its killing me.

im at home tonight
reading & crying & breathing.

i feel like shit.

rich girls

blogging via 1st floor, uhm floor? literally. i am sitting on the floor right now beside a window. there was a potato bug earlier on the floor, i kind of nicked it the other way. I'm here with my new homie Thuy. we had our little sex chat, and now she is writing up her results. oooh mgmt just came on. lovely. i love writing in the moment, just as the thoughts come out. no structure, doesnt always mean chaos. whether or not this makes sense... depends what state you're in.

shock me like an electric eel. baby girl, turn me on with your electric feel.

calvin and i (and possibly jefferson!) are hanging tonight. we're gna watch disturbia, he's gna eat, and we're probably gonna sleep. you know. i have no idea what were gna eat. maybe we'll just get pizza or something.

i wish i had a british accent. maybe i should take lessons and learn how to speak like them yeah? then i could be like maui and talk in and out of a brit accent.. well mauis is more Australian, but whatevs yeah?

anywho, i need to read, maybe i will load greys right now.

cheers.

i am a very jealous person.
territorial.
one of my downfalls.

okay, this is the perfect opportunity to be self destructive

mighty fucking scotland

i was supposed to say something but i forgot.
i have work in 20 minutes, well like 10... but i dont wanna go. errrrkzzzzZz.
anyway im gonna go to work, and then go to the library and read
and then go and die.

SKINS!

i have to remember to bring my second cup gift card to work. im going to buy a brownie and a chai tea.

i need to get my feelings sort out, and separate them from this handicapping state.

anyway i gotta jet! i got bikinis to sell

acid reflux

i really think i have an eating disorder... or a developing one?
Bulima really. I dont vomit though, so its non-purging. I just starve myself for over 20 hours at a time, and eat once.
The past few mornings, i always wake up feeling nauseous.
This morning i woke up and vomitted... nothing came out though.. just clear liquid. I'm thinking stomach acid? It burns my tongue.

but is it an eating disorder if i'm doing this unintentionally? i'm not starving myself to lose weight...there's just no time to eat.

whatever... once next week is over, i'll eat regularly... theres no time for eating right now.

fuck that nword

i think im developing an eating disorder.

i was feeling extremely sick this morning... i hunched over the toilet seat, trying to push out some vomit but it just wasnt happening. i couldnt even make it to the bus stop to go to my tops session... now im all showered and naked, sitting in my bed, on my laptop. i'm supposed to be meeting eve at square one at 12:30, wait wait... i just called eve, and we're going at 12. now i can get ready to go and shop : ) kkkk im gna be studying with calvin and shawn tonight. apparently we have a new name for the 3 of us, DP? apparently for double penetration.. it's more or less offensive... but what can i do right? lol anyway im going to go and have a dance party, and get dressed.

my american apparel boyfriend who goes to my school, is wearing the same hoodie as i am. does it mean its meant to be? LOL

let them eat cake!

blogging via utm fourth floor cubicles.
current obsession? well more like re dig up obsession. Queen.
I've been having dance parties in my room very often recently. there is more space now that my old desk is gone, and the new one is in place. The dance parties are the best when they are to older rock hits. I think the moves just come out more organic to songs like that. Today i had a freeze-dance party, with my sister and marvin, and the rest of my cousins. I wish i could have taped it and put it on youtube.. but rj was playing poker, and didnt wanna let me use the iSight camera. It was pretty rad, if i do say so myself.

I dont know what color to paint my room. can anyone suggest anything,
even though purple is clearly my fave color, i dont think i want a purple room. I'd rather have a different color room, and with everything inside it purple. Im thinking a bright orange, very citrus-y. or like a neon kind of turquoise even? Or a really dark grey. Flower stickers and printed curtains. Then i'll get new bedding, and a few more pillows, a new drawer, and remove my tv, and old dresser.

Essentially, all i want in my room is a bed, desk my squiggly mirror and a dresser... oh and a zebra portrait. When i get the zebra... I'm gna name him Earl. He will be my buddy f'lyfe.

anyway thats it for now... i got bio205 to worry about. BARF.

oh btw. Im kind of tired of people trying to be artsy farsty. keyword TRYING. why cant things just be a little more organic. you know, organic is more healthy.

blogging via my new desk, which i built... almost entirely by myself. My sister apparently "helped" What she mostly did was sit around and watched. this desk is the shizzle.

ughh, im gna have to cram a lot into tomorrow. Im going to go to the library right at 1, and stay there the whole day!

at work i was craving something major. and it was really ironic when my coworker was hungry, and was talking about food...and i quote:

"you know when you can imagine it? like you imagine what you want...it sucks"

oh yeah it does.

dont listen to aerosmith if you wanna keep celibate!

definitely not the 00's

we need more songs like these:



i love this video... even after a decade. I think if i were a stripper, i'd definitely dance to this song.
it's scary to think this video came out in effing '94.
This is definitely a song you dont wanna wear clothes too.

CYOA

can you please release me?

crntly bggng frm mttng plc
n vwls s th nw thng.

translation: currently blogging from meeting place
no vowels is the new thing.

im sitting here watching people, eat, talk, buy food. it's kind of annoying actually. id rather sit in silence.
i think it would be awesome, to sit in a room, and be able to mute everything going on. i realize its called going deaf, but i mean i'd like to be able to like switch it on and off. i think people say so much more when people dont say anything. sometimes saying nothing is your answer. being speechless is both a good and bad thing, but thats whats great about it.. right?

name a time you were speechless for a good reason?
when calvin said i was his bestfriend, outloud, to someone else (i died a little inside, shut up)

name a time you were speechless for a bad reason?
when people pass away

i could really go for a fruit cup right now. peaches and pears are the best. ooh very cherry is good too.

still thinking about what i should be for halloween! i am really excited, hopefully everything turns out :)
it's ridic how many people buy tim hortons everyday, the lines are soooo effing long. i'd hate to work at utm's tim hortons... i doubt i could take it. Knowing that at every o'clock, there would be a rush of people, would suck.

anyone who knows me knows that i listen to primarily mashups, and covers. its insane how many covers of one song i will have on my computer... no it isnt a waste of space i assure you. because regardless, its never too late for a GOOD cover.

choose your own adventure

i want to be free

i've been listening to a lot of older music recently.
staples really.
Freddie Mercury is, gorgeous.
its always good to have playlists where each song is on the total opposite of the spectrum than the last.

At work today, i tried on this floral bathing suit, that i've always liked, but never had the chance to try it on.
As soon, as I tried it on... i fell in love. I just tried the top on, i didnt try the bottoms.
But, regardless. I am in Love.

it might look a little old lady-ish. but i think its classy! i love that print.
i'm still trying to find what brand of bathing suit Blair Waldorf was wearing in the premier episode of GG season two.
That suit, would be so bomb.

i wanna go vintage shopping soon.
and pick up some tutus, captain hats, and cowboy boots.
anyone wanna tag along?

i'm already thinking about what i'm gonna be for halloween&mybday.
pirate? homage to clockwork orange? pochahontas? ballerina? sailor? sailor moon?!
nothing with wings, for sure.

im leaning towards the clockwork orange... or pochahontas!

stripes

my room is extremely cold i love it.
i am in a little pit of depression right now. lulls.
i have a feeling.

i really could go for some sushi.
i'm considering going pescetarian again.
i miss having some control.

i think i wanna go and do fake nails sometime.
my nail biten nails are cool, but it'd be nice to have them all glammed up.

if i could find someone who could do these, i would be SOLD!

i dont feel shiny anymore.
im dark and twisty.
i dont know anymore.

third floor mac lab

i think i am in love with this room. it has all mac pcs, and is the quietest place ever! looking to my left is a big window, and through that window, there are many many trees... its very peaceful in here. everything is like really white in here, its crazy. i forgot my earphones, but im listening to music anyway... just really really low, and no one around me seems to mind, so it's all gravy. I thought i had a bio206 quiz today, but i dont... so right now im just blogging, and rereading some of my lecture notes.

right now i am obsessed with the song "Monster Hospital" by metric. remixed obviously though. its on my myspace, if you wanted to have a listen.

today feels weird. i dont know what it is. just tired i guess?
speaking of sleep... i can only sleep when my room is like the coldest room in the house. i blare cold air from outside into my room. so when i wake up, i can feel the drastic temperature difference between whats under my sheets and whats outside of them. It sucks to get out of bed though, cuz then i get really cold.. but it is a good sleep.

theres something about the mystical melody of mgmt's electric feel, that is so addicting. it's definitely on my top 3 songs of 2008. i could listen to that song all day. i'm pretty sure i've kudos'd that song several times in this blog.

i really miss jeffrey and karim. speaking to them on msn isnt enough.
i hope they come home soon.. (karim is in mexico) so then i can hang with them, and it will be magical.
kind of like the mgmt video :)

its not over

i removed the song off my blog, 'cuz i thinks its too distracting. i like just coming to my blog, and reading it in silence... and not having to hear the blaring electro music i like.

i feel weak. i feel like im losing it, and the only way to compensate is to do something drastic. i hate getting into the modes where i'm so driven to do something, almost to the point where i am jaded beyond any type of reason. as soon as the mirage starts to fade, i am left hollow and empty. this low is worse than a hangover... its like a lull almost. right now, i am so not in touch with myself its scary. i want too many things. im so greedy.

im in need of hugs, and tea.

if i were to die, say tomorrow, i wouldnt want to be in anyones profile pictures with ugly ass print at the bottom, saying shit like... "god just gained an angel" or something lame like that. i find it so tacky. i like simple things. no dedication. just the smallest of things that let me know i was loved. maybe a person will keep one of my fave songs on repeat. or they smile when they see something that reminds me of them. that kind of stuff i would live for. if i were in someones profile picture, it would be one where i was making a silly face, or just look totally out of it.

i kind of wish i would die soon, not being suicidal or anything, just saying cuz living isnt doing it right now. plus itd be sick to be a ghost and creep on people right? lol